I am that girl.  As much as I don’t want to be, I am.  I am the girl who can’t hide her emotions, who can’t hide her struggle.  I’m the one who cries in the middle of a meeting.  Yep, that’s me.  

I know that I write a lot about this, and maybe it’s getting old for you all, and I’m sorry if it is, but I guess what I want to convey through all of this is that there is hope.  Even in the darkest cave.  I will keep saying it.  As long as God asks me to.  There is always hope.  No one is a lost cause.

A couple of months ago I saw a video clip from CBN about Wes and Amanda Martin who lost their 11 day old newborn twin girls.  It was heart wrenching.  It was hopeful.  There was one thing that stood out to me in a major way.  Amanda talked about how God asked her to be truthful even in her pain.  To not hide, to speak what she was feeling, to be honest about the ugly stuff, to be real.  It jumped off the screen at me.  I was walking into a very difficult season and I wanted to hide.  I still want to hide.  But I cannot.  While I cannot share details yet because all of it is not my story to tell, our family has been going through the fire. It is dirty.  It is ugly.  It is hard.  It could be embarrassing if I let it be.  It could be humiliating if I let it be.  But I choose not to.  People make their own choices.  I can’t make anyone choose what is good, even those I love.  I hate that.  I wish I could.  God gave me free will so He requires that I allow free will as well.  I feel alone most days.  I feel like I am floating outside of every group I’m in…like I have this “thing” that just makes me different from everyone else.  I’m going through something that most people can’t relate to.  It sucks.  God knows that I think it sucks.  He knows when I am ticked at Him because I tell Him.  He holds me when I get over my anger and need to cry.  He is capable of holding my anger, my hurt, my heart, without rejecting me for what is inside there.  It’s when I’m not honest about where I am that hurts Him.  If I cannot rage at God for a moment then what kind of God is He really?  Seriously.  He can take it.  He’s got this.

“The more real we with what’s going on inside of us, the closer we are to being delivered, the closer we are to being stronger in our relationship with the Lord.”  ~Wes Martin~ 

I am so lacking as a mom, as a wife, as a lover of Jesus but He sees my heart and my desire to be better and that is what matters to Him.  Trust me, He already knows my shortcomings but He doesn’t focus on them like I do.  Every movement of my heart towards Him, no matter how small, brings Him such joy.  I just have to keep moving towards Him.  The hard part is why I keep having pain.  I wonder when or if I will get a break.  Will I always know hurt?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  So I may cry and look a mess.  I may not have it all together.  I may fall flat on my face.  I may look ridiculous.  I may have problems.  I may be ugly, dirty, scarred.  But I am crawling up to His throne every day and I AM BEAUTIFUL TO HIM.  I will be as real as I can because I want to go deeper with Him.  The battle is raging for my life and my family’s life.  I will never give up and let the enemy say “I told you so!”  I am willing to fight.  I am willing to stand.  Holy Spirit strengthen me.

The Martin’s story – http://www.cbn.com/tv/2576157767001

The Battle is Raging by Laura Hackett – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehSl2w4M_y0

Jesus Christ who gave Himself for our sins
That He might deliver us
From this present evil age

For the battle is raging
The devil is raging
I don’t want to be sleeping
While the battle is raging
My spirit is willing
Though my flesh gets tempted
Rise up my soul and start praying
‘Cuz I don’t wanna be defenseless, yeah

I don’t fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear
I don’t fight as one who beats the air
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear oh God

I put on Christ 
Make no provision for my flesh
Put on the whole armor of God
Leave no open door to darkness
I take the scroll
I eat the scroll
Open up my mouth and speak forth Your Word
I take the Sword of the Spirit

Blessed be the Lord my rock
Who trains my hands for battle
And trains my hands for war

I don’t fight as one who beats the air
I have eyes to see and ears to hear…

It doesn’t have to be a blind battle
For I have the mind of Christ…

Life is hard.  People leave.  Expectations are not met.  Disappointment is constant.  Loved ones make choices that leave me shredded on the floor.  My heart is broken over and over again.  What am I doing with that?  Well for a moment or two I am cuddling up to the hurt, to the brokenness, to the anger that comes along with it all.  I want to crawl away and disappear, to run away and be somewhere else…just somewhere far away from where I am.  To be honest, these things devastate me.  I try not to let them, but they do.  I was made with a heart that feels deeply.  I feel what others feel, the hurt, the joy, the pain, the rejection.  I don’t want to but I do.  I feel my own hurt, joy, pain, rejection in my skin.  I feel the emotions physically…in my nerve endings, in my heart.  I used to either let these things destroy me or ruin me.  Now I choose differently.  I still feel all the same things but I see a different purpose behind it.