Can I just be done?  I’m tired.  I want to quit.

Sometimes this is reality.  Sometimes God asks me to do things I am all fired up and passionate about in the beginning, but when the rubber meets the road and real life happens, it gets really hard.  It’s a constant fight against what my emotions want and what God has asked me to do.  I think in the past, I have interpreted those kind of emotions as my release from what God has asked….when in reality, I needed to push through what I want into what God promised.  I think I’m supposed to be uncomfortable.  I think I’m supposed to want to quit.  And I think I’m supposed to keep going.  In fact, I know I’m supposed to keep going.

But this doesn’t feel good right now.

And right now, it’s not sadness I feel.

It’s anger.

And I don’t like it at all.  It makes me unsettled and irritable.

My emotions tell me that if I quit and walk away, I won’t have to deal with all the drama anymore and I will feel better.

Finally.

My emotions tell me that what is making me angry is about what someone else is doing.

It’s not.

It’s about me.

I am allowing someone else’s choices, words, accusations, make me angry.  Why?  Is it that I agree with it?  Is it that I feel unknown?  I’ve been working on that one for awhile now.  I think a lot of it has been that somehow I’ve felt that the accusations are correct.  That I really am the person I’m being told I am.  And maybe I was at one time, But I’ve done a lot of work with God in the last couple of years….and those things are changing.

I think it’s more about feeling unknown.

This is a deep, deep barrenness in me.  I have always desired to be known and loved, no matter what is in those deep places.  Most people are built this way, I think.  This has never truly existed for me, except in my sister.  I have somehow always fallen short of what others want in a person.  I understand this.  It is human to want to remove ourselves from people who do not meet our expectations.  Our culture tells us every day that if we are around people that don’t make us happy or give us what we need then we should remove them from our lives.  And we do it.  Because we think it will solve our problem.  Fix our unhappiness.  Relieve our pain.  It doesn’t.  We just keep running into the same kinds of people until we learn how to love. No matter what.

You see, no matter how I feel or how much I want to quit.  I can’t.  If I do, I will never get to the promise.  It doesn’t mean the path won’t look different along the way, it just means I cannot give in to what I think I want.  I can’t make decisions based on the anger or sadness I feel.  Today the feelings are big.  Today is a hard day.  Today I want to quit.  This is why I write this all out to you.  It reminds me of what is real.  It reminds me that my own voice is not always the thing I should be listening to.  It reminds me of who really has my future in mind.  I think maybe it’s like grief.  You just have to walk the road.  It may seem like it has gone on long enough and that it needs to be finished, but it’s never over until it’s all been done. Some  paths take just a little while to navigate, some are still walking on the road after years.

So I walk this road until I’m done…..

Thy Will

I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Songwriters
BERNIE HERMS, HILLARY SCOTT, EMILY LYNN WEISBAND