Let me be clear for a moment…

I did not want to get divorced.  I don’t want to be divorced.  I love the man who was my husband….I just can’t be with him.  I came to a place in my life where I realized that I was compromising my relationship with the Lord, and devaluing myself in an attempt to make someone else comfortable.  It sounds so simple. It’s not. It would be easy to just point my finger at him for all the ways I felt he failed me but I am not without defect. Not. At. All.

Divorce hurts more than I could ever fathom.  I never imagined that this is where my life would be right now.  I had dreams….ideas of how we would grow old together…..kids out in the world and doing their own thing…finally on our own.  But somewhere in the mess, the trauma of life events, the loneliness of living alone for nine or ten months a year, I forgot that I was married to a good man.  I think he forgot that too.  And I also think he forgot he was married to a good woman.  Things go off kilter when you believe things that are outside of who God says you are. We both did it.  It just showed up in different ways for each of us.

I grew up in a house where in conflict, there was no conversation allowed.  Any attempt at conversation was viewed as argument.  As an adult, looking back, I understand that approach to some degree.  However,  I am (very much) a verbal processor.  When there is conflict but you are never allowed to sort out feelings and thoughts outside of your head, you learn that you have no voice.  You believe that you have no value because no one listens to your thoughts, feelings, ideas.  You learn that who you are is not okay.  You learn that there is something wrong with you because you can’t sort yourself out inside of your head like “normal” people.  Please hear me.  My parents taught me so many good things.  This is only one little piece of a growing up that was otherwise really, really good. They believed in me and loved me.  I harbor no bitterness towards them at all.  It is part of how that generation parented.  I understand that every parent does the best they can with what they have at the time.  And they did….they so much did!

But then, I married a man who did not know how to nurture a verbal processor either. So everything I had come to believe, was in fact, complete truth to me. “There is something wrong with me because I need to talk to sort out my thoughts and feelings.  I have no value because I cannot be like the people who are supposed to love me.”  You must understand….this is never a conscious thought.  It is a belief that becomes part of your DNA because of your experience in life.  Only recently have I realized that this had been concreted into my very bones.

I cannot blame anyone.  They were all doing the best they knew how.  They just didn’t get me.  Or really know me.  If you never get to the point where you can articulate clearly, what is inside of you, you cannot be known.  So as much as I wanted to be known, I could not because I believed I had no voice.  So there was no voice to use.  I was unable to communicate through conflict in any clear way.  Everything came out of me in highly emotional, hysterical ways.  There is no understanding that.  I don’t believe for one moment that anyone was truly wanting to devalue me. I was just foreign soil to them and they didn’t know how to speak my language.

So here, on the other side of this realization, I am attempting to walk away from the belief that I hold no value….that who I am is not okay.  Those are lies.  Yet I believed them.  Unfortunately, they were lies that the enemy continued to confirm for many years, through people that I loved….so it must be true, right? Oh how insidious he is.

Even as I sit here writing this, I cannot stop the tears. I am almost 44 years old and have never truly believed in my gut that I have any value as a person, a human, a woman.  I have believed that how I feel is inconsequential to those who love me. That the thoughts and ideas that I have aren’t worth really looking at. I have learned that my pain is irrelevant because of my defects…if I was normal,  it would matter to someone, right? It would matter enough for them to stop for a moment. And try to learn me. Do you see what has happened? Do you see how it has permeated every part of me?

Don’t feel sorry for me and please don’t hear this as a pity party. It’s not. At all. It’s realization. It’s revelation from the Father. It is turning away from lies and moving into who He says I am. It is walking into my value as a daughter, a woman, a human.

I cannot have victory if I do not acknowledge the truth. It’s ugly. It’s dirty. It’s messy. But it’s the truth. I don’t want to live there anymore. I refuse to live there anymore.

Divorce is my worst nightmare come true. I don’t know how long it will take me to stop feeling like I’m living in an alternate reality. No one died but it feels like death. It is so very painful. I just have to keep telling myself what I know to be the truth, even though I don’t feel it yet…God has a plan. What is important to me is important to Him. My pain is His pain. I am not alone. I am not too broken to have value. Who I am is not just okay, it’s amazing….because He made me.  If I speak it enough, I will begin to feel it. It will come. I just have to feel what is here right now in order to heal what is wounded. I must feel it in order to be free…..

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To My Husband…on the Day We Got Divorced

I’m sorry that you could not love yourself enough to love me. 

I’m sorry that you could not choose the healing for yourself that I was choosing for my own self.  It would have brought you freedom and it could have saved our marriage. 

I’m sorry that I was an embarrassment to you, because that loud voice and vivid personality are so much of what make me a treasure.

I’m  sorry that you could not see me as that treasure. I was worth the effort. 

I’m sorry that I thought I could fix you. Only God can do that. 

I’m sorry that I found my own value before you did…because I am worth more than gold or rubies. 

I’m sorry that my contribution to our life was not enough for you. Because it was for me. 

I’m sorry that you never learned how to enjoy my passions as much as I learned to enjoy yours. I never liked coffee or dirt bikes or Led Zeppelin until I married you.

I’m sorry that you could not forgive me for the messes I made in our life, because there were plenty. You just couldn’t. 

I’m sorry you never learned to forgive yourself. 

I’m sorry that you never learned to drop everything just because I needed you. 

I’m sorry that you wouldn’t fight for me. You missed out on a beautiful woman. I’m a million times more amazing now, than when you married me. 

I’m sorry that all of these things I say are more about how you see yourself than how you really see me. 

I’m sorry that you could not see yourself the way I see you…because you are a good, good man….you just don’t really believe it.  There in lies the problem…

I’m sorry that you could not accept the love I had  to give you.  It would have been worth it. 

I’m not sorry I fought for you.  You are worth it. 

I’m not sorry that it took me so long to let go. You are worth that too. 

I’m not sorry that I love you. 

I just can’t be with you. 

I just had to choose to love myself this time….