The End of This

I’m tired.  I have made other people tired with my emotions.  I am struggling and I have made others struggle.  I am trying to stand on what I know to be the truth, but some days it is difficult to see the forest for the trees.  Do you ever have times where you know God has changed so much about you and then in one fell swoop you just walk right back into what you have always done?  I have a particular issue in my life that I keep doing that with.  I will go months at a time keeping it in check and walking away from the ugliness that clouds my life, but then, when I start getting tired or feeling stress or failing at something, it rises up and takes out everyone in its path…I revert to that young girl who never felt heard or seen and I lose control.  I become so emotional that there is no making it better.  I want to hear the perfect words that will fix it but they never come because I’m starting to realize that they don’t exist.  I put this responsibility of perfection on ones I love and they cannot fulfill the demand.  There is something inside me that needs fixed (don’t we all) but I don’t exactly know what it is.  I know there is always a reason for things but sometimes the water gets so muddy with your own dirt that you can’t see which direction to go.  I guess I am saying this because I really need prayer.  I need to get victory over this thing that I cannot even define yet.  I know that God loves me, even in my weakness.  I feel like I am seeing what this weakness is really doing for the first time and I don’t like it.  My love for my family is so great, but this junk covers it up sometimes and I hate that.  I hate that I am grieving God.  I hate that I am grieving my family.  I want to be better.  I want to love better.  I want to love well.  I want to do what God wants, but somehow I know I cannot come into His fullness while this thing is still within me.  I want to come to the end of this.  I need encounter…


Eagle, Globe and Anchor

I know he did it.  I feel it in my bones.  Sometimes a mom just knows.

I was driving kids to school and had just dropped the last one off and headed to work.  All of the sudden I felt giddy…like I could just burst out laughing…not because something was funny but from joy.  I knew there was less than an hour left and that he was most likely marching back to base.  As much as I had confidence that he could do it, the waiting was SO difficult.  And now, as I am writing this, I know that he has completed his task.  He is about to receive his Eagle, Globe and Anchor.  You see, the moment you step off the bus onto those yellow footprints at boot camp, it is DRILLED into you that you ARE NOT a Marine!  (And yes, they actually stand on yellow footprints) You have not earned the title of United States Marine UNTIL you cross the finish line of the Crucible.  And he has done it.  He completed the task set before him and he is now a United States Marine….and I am a Marine Mom.