I gave him to you…

It’s 2 am and I’m wide awake. I’ve read my bible. I’ve had intimate prayer. I’ve cried my requests and gratefulness to the Lord. What more is needed for rest to find me? I pray some more. I search my heart. I speak out forgiveness for things I haven’t acknowledged an offense for. I speak forgiveness for what I’ve already forgiven but I’ve picked up again. I’m searching my heart for more. Then it hits me. Be silent Mitzie. Stop talking and just be silent. It didn’t take long. He just needed my quiet heart.

Many times over my 20 year marriage I have wondered why it has had to be so hard…why I have had to feel so much pain. What’s the point of this God? Why has so much of my adult life had to feel so broken? I finally heard the answer in the middle of a night of tears.

I gave him to you to drive you to Me.

I knew that he would be your wilderness. Even more so than your children would be.
As much as I wanted to give you someone who would meet all the human needs that you have, I could not because you never would have found me as you have in the many seasons of pain. When you have questioned how long you would have to endure, when you have asked for a way out, when you have begged me for a rescue from your pain, I heard you, but I could not let you run away because I gave him to you to drive you to Me. If he was not there, you would be wandering, living on the surface, finding small pleasures in silly things. You are one I needed to call into the deep. Deep waters. Deep intimacy. Deep love. I needed you to have a deep story. I gave him to you to drive you to Me. He is not the issue. I am your issue. I gave him to you to drive you to me.

I told you at the beginning of this current season that you are in, that it’s about souls. I came to seek and save the lost. I desire that none would perish. You always apply that to others. That is truth but I am talking about you as much as them. You put such importance in others behavior and heart condition. Your motivation is pure in this but leave that to me. That is not your concern. It is mine alone.

I needed you to have this man whom I love in the deepest parts of Me. This broken, wounded, beautiful soul. I am using his brokenness and wounded heart to drive you to Me. I did not make a mistake. It wasn’t some random choice of fate. I. Chose. Him. For. You. Many times you have seen him as your enemy but he is your gift, Mitzie, he is your gift.

Nothing that has happened in your 20 years has been a surprise to Me. I knew it all before you were born. I knew the good. I knew the bad. I knew the pain. I knew what it would take to drive you to Me. Do you not know that it is that way with everyone? I know what it will take for all to see Me. I give everyone what they need to drive them to Me. They always have a choice but I still give them the gift. I always give them the gift.  He is your gift.

Do you see it now?  I gave him to you to drive you to me.

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Do you see it now?  I gave him to you to drive you to ME…..

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Going

Here I am, a bundle of nerves and excitement.  When Tyler first left I was so melancholy for several days…time just seemed to drag.  And then I got my first letter on my birthday…what a joy that was!   Now here we are, packing up the van to head to California.  I try to picture him in my minds eye.  I have seen a quick video of him a couple of weeks ago, but I know nothing will compare to wrapping my arms around my son in person and looking at his beautiful face.  I have not felt this kind of joy since the day he was born.  There are so many different kinds of joy that go with raising kids…its hard to describe!

I have decided that time travelled the slowest at the beginning of this journey and at the end, during Crucible week.  The middle was just that…the middle.  But now at the very end, we are flying again.  I hope the drive goes this fast! 🙂

There have been so many people, known and unknown, friends and strangers who have made it possible for us to go see this momentous occasion in our sons life.  Finances have always been a struggle for us this time of year but God has just completely overwhelmed us with his provision from the most unlikely of sources.  Brad said to me the other day, “I just keep praying for what we need, not what we want.”  Well I guess the Lord put this occasion in the need category. (I did too but wasn’t sure if God had or not..lol) I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it if we could not have gone….so thank you P (you know who you are).  From the bottom of our hearts…you took up our burden and you made it your own and walked with God to make a way where there was no way.  Thanks will never be enough…I love you!