More Real Than I’ve Ever Been

For nearly 5 years I have been strong. I have pointed my face like flint and run to the One who I know will always hold me. But in many ways I’ve been lying to myself. Not about God, but about myself. I didn’t know it until today. I didn’t know it until I said it out loud.

“I need to heal but I don’t think I’ve even grieved.”

I lost my marriage.

I was so set on what I knew God was going to do that I didn’t allow even a single thought that it may not go the way I wanted it to go. I just knew that God would restore. That He would make everything beautiful and new again. I had this dream constantly running on my internal video player. But Gods not in the business of controlling people. And my husband didn’t choose to fight for me. He chose another. But yet, I still lived with a weird internal battle between dream and reality.

And today it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost my husband. I lost my dream of being with the one I loved forever. I lost the travel we’d always talked about. I lost the cabin in the woods we dreamed about together. I lost going to dirt bike races and loving Asher together. I lost all the kids visiting for the holidays together. I lost summer gardening and helping in the shop. I lost the lazy Saturday morning coffee dates together with no kids. I lost growing deeper in Jesus together.

I lost my home. I lost my person home and my physical home. And now…still…I don’t have a home that’s mine. I sleep in someone else’s bed. I sit on someone else’s furniture. I eat off of someone else’s dishes. I don’t even have my own pictures on the wall. This beautiful roof over my head has truly been Gods provision and I am unbelievably grateful…but it’s not my home. Do you know what I mean?

I live in a town where all the pain is. Where all the dark things that have ever happened to me, have happened. What do I do next? I thought I knew. But Maybe what I really need to do is go backwards. Because I forgot to do something.

I forgot to grieve. I never did. I need to…but I don’t know if I even know how. Grieving means I have to accept that my dreams are gone. Not just the words in my mouth but truly, truly gone.

I need to heal. Can I do that in the place where its all in my face? In the place where everything just fell through my fingers and I was helpless to stop it?

I have put myself in a position where so much is expected of me. Because I’ve always been the one that can be depended on. When things are hard or frustrating or painful, I’m always the one to hold it all together. Now I’m finding that I can’t do it. I can’t rescue anyone else. I can’t save anyone else from having to figure it out. I have to save me now. Me and God…I gotta really let Him save me this time. Save me from all of it. For real. Because right now it hurts like hell…and I have nothing left to give.

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