You Really Aren’t Enough…

You Really Aren’t Enough…

I’m feeling pretty out of sorts lately and I realized (duh) that I needed to put the chaos in my head down on paper so I can make some sense of it.  Will you bear with me as I trudge through this processing thing that I do?  Maybe something in here will be helpful for you too….

This week has been a really rough one for me.  I’ve had some really (really!!!) hard parenting moments with my grandson and I’m still questioning whether I did things the right way.  Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.  But I’m trying.

I also saw (good ol’ social media) the end result of my “muchness” for someone I really love and respect.  That was a hard one.  I tried so hard to do things the right way but things were just never the same….and in the end it didn’t really matter….I was set aside anyway.

Right now, I feel really unseen.  I feel like people have this perception of me that says, “She doesn’t need anything.  She goes through stuff but her and Jesus, they always work it out.  She doesn’t need anybody.”  And in that perception of me, I get left alone.  It’s true, Jesus and I do have a real thing.  We work through it whenever things come up.  Sometimes I see what He is trying to tell me pretty quickly.  Other times, it takes foreverrrr! Usually because of me!  But to be totally honest with you, people still need people.  They need to be seen and loved and known.  We (yes, me) are so good at focusing on our own selves, and our own pain, that we forget to look up and walk along with the people next to us.  Here’s the thing though…You don’t have to fix it.  You don’t even have to make it better!   What???  How can I say this?  Don’t we all feel like we can’t step in with someone else’s struggle unless we can fix it, or make it better somehow??  The real honest truth is that your kindness is what makes it betterChoosing to love and be present is what makes it better.  Your undistracted eyes are what make it better.  And then there’s this…..God didn’t design you to fix it anyway!  Nope.  No fixing for you.  Or me.  That’s His job.

Ok.  Deep breath. (Am I really about to admit this?) Here’s the big one….

I have been battling with feeling used…on a major scale.  I feel as if my heart to love and help and do the right thing is seen…and I’m being taken advantage of because of that.  Some days, it seems as if I have the designation of the Fall Guy  “When it all falls apart, I’ll give it to Mitzie.  When it’s too much for me to handle, I’ll give it to Mitzie.  She’ll push through and make it work. She’ll keep it all together.  I don’t have to hold up my end of the relationship cuz she’ll be good with it…eventually.”  I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Kick me, I’ll just take it.”  Right now, I am that person who hears the promises but is not seeing the actions to those promises.  And I’m losing it a bit.

So now my enormously overthinking brain asks questions like this.  “Am I reading too much into all of this?  What about grace for these people?  Everybody is broken in some way or another…maybe this is just the way they’re broken?  Hurt people, hurt people, right?”  So now (as I always do), I’m in the process of excusing all of these feelings away…I’m invalidating what is inside me.  In the scheme of things, are they even going to matter in a few days or weeks or months?  Probably not.  But maybe they’re still valid….and I need to purge them out so I don’t go to this place over and over and over again.

This whole post so far (let’s be honest), sounds like a pity party.  Maybe it is….but maybe it’s not. You can decide.  But let me suggest something to you.  Maybe it’s the process (at least for me) by which ugly things that grow in the darkness, get pushed into the light so they can be flushed out.  Soooo here’s a question for you (or a few)….does any of this sound anything like what you’ve said in your own head from time to time?  Are they things that you know you’d be judged or condemned for, so you never say them out loud?  Are they things that you have cuddled up to like a warm, fuzzy blanket and accepted as truth?  Has the lie that you are unseen become such a part of you that you just accept it?  Do you own the belief that you are all alone in the world and that no one cares?  Do you believe that you are too much and no one will love you because of your “muchness?”  Do you believe all of the darkness that runs through your thoughts?  Guess what my friends!  No darkness can reside where there is light!  Maybe it’s time to bring it into the light.  Just sayin’

And on a final note….as I’ve just thrown up (figuratively) all over the keyboard….I just had a revelation.  I may be about to offend lots of you, but here it is anyway…

We, especially women, keep saying to each other “You are enough.” May I suggest that, actually, you aren’t. Yep. I said that.  But seriously, let’s get real…..there is always someone who won’t like how you dress or do your hair, how you work outside the home or not, feed your baby formula or not, give them solid food too early or too late…How you shouldn’t be married to the one you’re married to…or god forbid, be single….How you don’t have the right taste in friends or furniture…How you don’t spend your money right, or make enough, or that you flaunt the money you have or live too “high”….That you don’t clean the right way or say the right thing or do the right thing or have the right job.  How you don’t feel things the right way or love the way they think you should or talk quiet enough or loud enough or even talk enough. You’ll talk too much or too fast or too slow or…..or…..or.  You fill in the blank.  There is always a plethora of not-enough-ness.  Let me just be clear.

You. Are. Not. Enough.  Only Jesus is.  So when you talk too much or love too much or run too much or breathe too much, let Jesus be the one who is enough for you……and for the one who judges you. 

Offense

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Pieces of Me…

Warning…written during an emotional tsunami…read at your own risk. No, I’m not joking.

I am a mess. I keep trying to have it all together, say the right things, think the right thoughts, act the right ways, pray the right prayers….but still I am a mess.  Is my heart position not genuine?  I feel like it is, but would I still be a mess if it was?

I finally, after all these months, got really mad at God a little bit ago. I screamed at Him in hysteria.  Raged at Him about the state of my life, the painful circumstances, the seemingly never ending pain that stalks me no matter what I do.  No matter how much or how hard I pray.

In an argument that I had with someone close to me, I was told that I am the reason for all the problems in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been abandoned. I’m the reason I may end up divorced. I’m the reason that my relationships are all failing. It’s my fault….And I believe it. Somehow, in me, I still believe this. If I didn’t, would I have gotten so “out of control” upset?  Something in me still believes that I am the sole reason for every failure in my life and family. I know, I know, pity party. But seriously, I know that too. But I still believe it. Why? Why do I believe this?  I want to figure it out but it’s elusive. It’s floats around just out of my reach.  I don’t want to believe it but I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being teased. Like this isn’t really my life.  That somehow I’ll wake up and be a better person. Have a better heart. Be more patient. Less pushy. Listen better.  Be easier to love. Somehow I am hard to love by the people who “really” know me….those who know who I am every moment of every day.  I must be or wouldn’t I be loved well? I so long to be loved well.  By a human being.  But somehow my brain tells me I’m the reason this isn’t possible.  And it’s spouted at me by ones I love.  So it must be true. Right?  What is the secret to being loved well?  What am I missing?  Did I somehow miss showing up the day God handed that out?  Or maybe it’s because I feel this way that pushes people away when they want to love me like I crave. Maybe I just can’t accept it. Maybe I can’t even see it.  Maybe I am blind. I don’t want to be but maybe, just maybe, I am.

So maybe it WAS me who shattered me….or allowed myself to be shattered. Maybe I refused being loved well because I didn’t even see that it was there….right in front of me.  I was so busy screaming “LOVE ME BETTER” that I missed the actual love.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I am in this state of question asking but I make no excuses. It is my process. And I’m letting you in a little deeper and a little sooner than I usually do. I always seem to find my way….eventually. It may take awhile, but I have to ask the questions to get to the answers.

I hope you don’t think me a crazed lunatic. I hope you find something in here that makes you feel not quite so alone.  I don’t wish this ache on anyone.  Maybe you can ask the questions with me and walk along as we find the answers. In my weak place, I still know that He will eventually show me because i am His.  Maybe this time, He will show us together.  I sure hope it’s soon.  I want to be free.  I don’t want to be broken anymore.

The End of This

I’m tired.  I have made other people tired with my emotions.  I am struggling and I have made others struggle.  I am trying to stand on what I know to be the truth, but some days it is difficult to see the forest for the trees.  Do you ever have times where you know God has changed so much about you and then in one fell swoop you just walk right back into what you have always done?  I have a particular issue in my life that I keep doing that with.  I will go months at a time keeping it in check and walking away from the ugliness that clouds my life, but then, when I start getting tired or feeling stress or failing at something, it rises up and takes out everyone in its path…I revert to that young girl who never felt heard or seen and I lose control.  I become so emotional that there is no making it better.  I want to hear the perfect words that will fix it but they never come because I’m starting to realize that they don’t exist.  I put this responsibility of perfection on ones I love and they cannot fulfill the demand.  There is something inside me that needs fixed (don’t we all) but I don’t exactly know what it is.  I know there is always a reason for things but sometimes the water gets so muddy with your own dirt that you can’t see which direction to go.  I guess I am saying this because I really need prayer.  I need to get victory over this thing that I cannot even define yet.  I know that God loves me, even in my weakness.  I feel like I am seeing what this weakness is really doing for the first time and I don’t like it.  My love for my family is so great, but this junk covers it up sometimes and I hate that.  I hate that I am grieving God.  I hate that I am grieving my family.  I want to be better.  I want to love better.  I want to love well.  I want to do what God wants, but somehow I know I cannot come into His fullness while this thing is still within me.  I want to come to the end of this.  I need encounter…

Questions

It’s really funny how new circumstances in life make you think about things that have never entered your mind before.  I am an emotional person and I tend to feel things on a really intense level.  I also know that I can tend to be a bit dramatic, but I was sitting in church this morning listening to Jason speak about heaven and something struck me….and it has been confirmed even more as this day has progressed.  Let me start with a memory of something he said many months ago.  I don’t remember it exactly, but it was something like this.  In the process of his wife dealing with cancer, God was asking him if he would choose anger or choose Jesus if the Lord chose to take  her home…if she died.  I remember feeling so affected by that…wondering if I could choose the path of life in the middle of such extraordinary pain.  So while my situation is not even remotely the same, that challenge struck me this morning.  And here is why.  As I have already written, my son is now a Marine.  He is in a very dangerous profession now.  My friends and I have talked many times about how God has given us these kids to raise but ultimately they are HIS.  Do I really believe what I have said?  If it were me, would I be able to do what Jason did?  Would I be able to let Tyler go and let God do with him as He chose before he was even in my womb?  And not even in the case of death…can I let go of Tyler and rest in the fact that he is in the palm of God’s hand….in everything he does and everywhere he goes?

I know some of you may be thinking that I am getting way ahead of myself, and maybe I am, but sometimes God asks us to make choices about how we will do things long before we are ever faced with the need to make the decision.  And sometimes He just wants to know if we mean what we say because He wants to take us to a deeper level with Him.

When I got home from church, I learned that a new marine from platoon 3207 lost his mother and sister in a tragic car crash just last night.  He was set to graduate with Tyler…they are in the same company, but different platoons. There were many boys in that platoon that did not get one phone call home in all their time away.  I pray that he was not one of them.  I pray that he was able to talk to his mom and have the precious memory of her voice, her love, her excitement for his accomplishment.  I desperately hope that his lost loved ones knew Jesus and are now experiencing the Heaven that we imagine, that Jeff has an intimate knowledge of who Jesus is so that he may know the comfort of His love in his deepest of pain.  That he clings to the Truth…that Jesus loves him with everything He has and is with him all the way through this.  He will be graduating early and coming home tomorrow to be with his family. Please pray for him and his family.

So while I may tend to move in the emotional and dramatic, I just feel that I feel that God is asking me to make a choice…and not just with Tyler, but with ALL of my family.  No matter what circumstances arise, am I willing to let go of my hold on these precious people in my life so that the Glory of God may be seen?  Do I choose life by choosing to fall into Him instead of growing angry and bitter over questions that may never be answered?  I know I will never stop asking the questions, it’s just how I’m built, but will I choose to be okay if all is silent?  Will I just be still and let God take me to a deeper level with Him.  I’m making my choice now.  Above all else, I want Jesus and I choose life.