I’m feeling pretty out of sorts lately and I realized (duh) that I needed to put the chaos in my head down on paper so I can make some sense of it. Will you bear with me as I trudge through this processing thing that I do? Maybe something in here will be helpful for you too….
This week has been a really rough one for me. I’ve had some really (really!!!) hard parenting moments with my grandson and I’m still questioning whether I did things the right way. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. But I’m trying.
I also saw (good ol’ social media) the end result of my “muchness” for someone I really love and respect. That was a hard one. I tried so hard to do things the right way but things were just never the same….and in the end it didn’t really matter….I was set aside anyway.
Right now, I feel really unseen. I feel like people have this perception of me that says, “She doesn’t need anything. She goes through stuff but her and Jesus, they always work it out. She doesn’t need anybody.” And in that perception of me, I get left alone. It’s true, Jesus and I do have a real thing. We work through it whenever things come up. Sometimes I see what He is trying to tell me pretty quickly. Other times, it takes foreverrrr! Usually because of me! But to be totally honest with you, people still need people. They need to be seen and loved and known. We (yes, me) are so good at focusing on our own selves, and our own pain, that we forget to look up and walk along with the people next to us. Here’s the thing though…You don’t have to fix it. You don’t even have to make it better! What??? How can I say this? Don’t we all feel like we can’t step in with someone else’s struggle unless we can fix it, or make it better somehow?? The real honest truth is that your kindness is what makes it better. Choosing to love and be present is what makes it better. Your undistracted eyes are what make it better. And then there’s this…..God didn’t design you to fix it anyway! Nope. No fixing for you. Or me. That’s His job.
Ok. Deep breath. (Am I really about to admit this?) Here’s the big one….
I have been battling with feeling used…on a major scale. I feel as if my heart to love and help and do the right thing is seen…and I’m being taken advantage of because of that. Some days, it seems as if I have the designation of the Fall Guy “When it all falls apart, I’ll give it to Mitzie. When it’s too much for me to handle, I’ll give it to Mitzie. She’ll push through and make it work. She’ll keep it all together. I don’t have to hold up my end of the relationship cuz she’ll be good with it…eventually.” I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “Kick me, I’ll just take it.” Right now, I am that person who hears the promises but is not seeing the actions to those promises. And I’m losing it a bit.
So now my enormously overthinking brain asks questions like this. “Am I reading too much into all of this? What about grace for these people? Everybody is broken in some way or another…maybe this is just the way they’re broken? Hurt people, hurt people, right?” So now (as I always do), I’m in the process of excusing all of these feelings away…I’m invalidating what is inside me. In the scheme of things, are they even going to matter in a few days or weeks or months? Probably not. But maybe they’re still valid….and I need to purge them out so I don’t go to this place over and over and over again.
This whole post so far (let’s be honest), sounds like a pity party. Maybe it is….but maybe it’s not. You can decide. But let me suggest something to you. Maybe it’s the process (at least for me) by which ugly things that grow in the darkness, get pushed into the light so they can be flushed out. Soooo here’s a question for you (or a few)….does any of this sound anything like what you’ve said in your own head from time to time? Are they things that you know you’d be judged or condemned for, so you never say them out loud? Are they things that you have cuddled up to like a warm, fuzzy blanket and accepted as truth? Has the lie that you are unseen become such a part of you that you just accept it? Do you own the belief that you are all alone in the world and that no one cares? Do you believe that you are too much and no one will love you because of your “muchness?” Do you believe all of the darkness that runs through your thoughts? Guess what my friends! No darkness can reside where there is light! Maybe it’s time to bring it into the light. Just sayin’
And on a final note….as I’ve just thrown up (figuratively) all over the keyboard….I just had a revelation. I may be about to offend lots of you, but here it is anyway…
We, especially women, keep saying to each other “You are enough.” May I suggest that, actually, you aren’t. Yep. I said that. But seriously, let’s get real…..there is always someone who won’t like how you dress or do your hair, how you work outside the home or not, feed your baby formula or not, give them solid food too early or too late…How you shouldn’t be married to the one you’re married to…or god forbid, be single….How you don’t have the right taste in friends or furniture…How you don’t spend your money right, or make enough, or that you flaunt the money you have or live too “high”….That you don’t clean the right way or say the right thing or do the right thing or have the right job. How you don’t feel things the right way or love the way they think you should or talk quiet enough or loud enough or even talk enough. You’ll talk too much or too fast or too slow or…..or…..or. You fill in the blank. There is always a plethora of not-enough-ness. Let me just be clear.
You. Are. Not. Enough. Only Jesus is. So when you talk too much or love too much or run too much or breathe too much, let Jesus be the one who is enough for you……and for the one who judges you.