Though You Slay Me….

Life is hard.  People leave.  Expectations are not met.  Disappointment is constant.  Loved ones make choices that leave me shredded on the floor.  My heart is broken over and over again.  What am I doing with that?  Well for a moment or two I am cuddling up to the hurt, to the brokenness, to the anger that comes along with it all.  I want to crawl away and disappear, to run away and be somewhere else…just somewhere far away from where I am.  To be honest, these things devastate me.  I try not to let them, but they do.  I was made with a heart that feels deeply.  I feel what others feel, the hurt, the joy, the pain, the rejection.  I don’t want to but I do.  I feel my own hurt, joy, pain, rejection in my skin.  I feel the emotions physically…in my nerve endings, in my heart.  I used to either let these things destroy me or ruin me.  Now I choose differently.  I still feel all the same things but I see a different purpose behind it.

Now days I have to step back and look, really look.  And ask questions.  Lots and lots of questions.  I’ve always been that way, you know.  I always want to know the “why”.  Sometimes this is a great thing. Sometimes its a really bad thing.  I’m still trying to learn the difference.  Most of all, I still do ask WHY?  And most of the time I don’t get an answer.  And yes, I know why I get the silence most of the time.  It’s because I am asking the wrong question.  What I have to ask is:  What am I supposed to be learning?  How can I become a deeper lover of Jesus in this?  What do I need to be praying for?  Who else is supposed to be touched by this circumstance?  I know, I know, that is a lot of questions.  It’s who I am.  I think God kind of likes it because He made me that way.    
And somehow, in my heart I do know the reasons WHY.  I know that the things that hurt me keep me close to the Lord.  If I run from Him, hurt destroys me.  I have learned (through much pain) that God will never leave me.  He has never abandoned me.  Never.  How can I turn away from the one who loves me like no other. As hard as it is for me to accept, I will never be loved on this earth like I am by my Jesus.  I know that if I was loved like that down here, I would have no use for God.  Maybe that is offensive to some, but it is the truth for me.  Love is the thing I am always looking for.  I crave it, like food, like water.  I MUST find it in the Lord to be full.  I am human.  I think I will always struggle with this.  But I will posture my heart towards Him.  Always.
So whatever comes my way, I will choose Jesus.  I will never give up.  Though He slay me, yet I will praise Him.
I saw this video of Shane & Shane with John Piper on YouTube that started me thinking and processing on this subject.  Please watch and soak in it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still all that I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

~Shane & Shane~


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