I have this friend.
She is beautiful.
She is kind.
She is strong.
But today she hurts.
Today her world seems harsh.
Today she is overwhelmed.
Today she feels alone.
But she is not.
She is not because I will pray.
She is not because God gives grace to the humble.
She is not because feelings lie.
She is not because He loves her.
There is nothing she can do that will move her from His heart.
There is nothing that she feels that He has not felt.
There is no betrayal that is unknown to Him.
There is no pain that is foreign to His heart.
He is the God of all comfort.
He is close to the broken hearted.
He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Emotions are fleeting.
God is forever.
I am in a season of strangeness…somewhere in between where I am not quite sure what is going on or how I feel, but I know that God is working and the moment He chooses to reveal the mystery I will be here, waiting.
There have been some unexpected things that I didn’t see coming…hurtful words, omissions that I have had to fight tooth and nail to fend off the offense that wells up in my heart. I want so much to entertain the hurt, to cozy up to it, to hang out with it and make it my best friend, to wallow in it…but that is not who God has grown me up to be. If I want to go forward and deeper with Him, I cannot walk backwards.
I am also living in the land of the unknown….and the scope of that keeps growing. Pretty much all of you know that my son Tyler is now in the Marine Corps and he is about to start the school portion of his training. For over a year we thought that he would be in Pensacola for that, but literally at the last moment, he was assigned to a school that is located in North Carolina….AND the school that we thought was going to be a year is now only 12 weeks. He was able to bypass all the preliminary portions of school that we all expected in Pensacola that would determine what aircraft he would be assigned to. He has been assigned to an aircraft and will be starting school for that in April. Needless to say, I am learning that there are LOTS of unknowns.
There other unknown is Brad’s work. He has started working out of town and there is no set schedule to it. It’s not a job where he works 3 weeks on and has a week off. He just works until they are done or are waiting for another delivery truck or things like that. Please hear me…I am NOT complaining at all. I am so grateful that he has work in this rough economy. I am just finding that I don’t like the “not knowing”. I don’t know when I will see him, I don’t know when I will see Tyler and I just get so tired of telling my friends I don’t know.
Even though it isn’t very long, this post has taken me several days to write. When I started it, I was just feeling really alone but now I am feeling God working…I am just not to the end of this learning stage yet. I just want to get to the other side of it, having learned everything I am supposed to learn, so that I don’t keep going around the same tree over and over again. I want those days to be over. I want seasons to be seasons one after the other, not repeat winter after winter after winter. Until next time…
I’m tired. I have made other people tired with my emotions. I am struggling and I have made others struggle. I am trying to stand on what I know to be the truth, but some days it is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Do you ever have times where you know God has changed so much about you and then in one fell swoop you just walk right back into what you have always done? I have a particular issue in my life that I keep doing that with. I will go months at a time keeping it in check and walking away from the ugliness that clouds my life, but then, when I start getting tired or feeling stress or failing at something, it rises up and takes out everyone in its path…I revert to that young girl who never felt heard or seen and I lose control. I become so emotional that there is no making it better. I want to hear the perfect words that will fix it but they never come because I’m starting to realize that they don’t exist. I put this responsibility of perfection on ones I love and they cannot fulfill the demand. There is something inside me that needs fixed (don’t we all) but I don’t exactly know what it is. I know there is always a reason for things but sometimes the water gets so muddy with your own dirt that you can’t see which direction to go. I guess I am saying this because I really need prayer. I need to get victory over this thing that I cannot even define yet. I know that God loves me, even in my weakness. I feel like I am seeing what this weakness is really doing for the first time and I don’t like it. My love for my family is so great, but this junk covers it up sometimes and I hate that. I hate that I am grieving God. I hate that I am grieving my family. I want to be better. I want to love better. I want to love well. I want to do what God wants, but somehow I know I cannot come into His fullness while this thing is still within me. I want to come to the end of this. I need encounter…