I had a realization this morning. My heart hurting is not necessarily a bad thing. It means I love, deeply, the one that I am missing or am burdened over. It means that I am not closed off to my emotions, that I feel the realness of raw moments, good and bad. When it becomes bad is when I dwell with the bad feeling, when I make my bed with it,when I become best friends with it, when I wallow in it. When I do not turn that emotion into prayer, I am sinning. It is sin for me because God has shown me what I need to do with it…that I need to bring them to Him first. When I don’t do this, I am choosing to discount the emotion that God placed in my heart., to turn away from what He has shown me, what He divinely placed inside of me. I am choosing MY way of dealing with things, not HIS.
For many years I viewed my emotions as a curse. Maybe I have said this before but I thought I was a freak because my emotions were so all-consuming. The process of learning that it was something that God gifted me with has been many years in the making. He placed this thing in me to accomplish His purpose in my life. He created me for intercession and is constantly teaching me and showing me how to pray. I wish I could convey to you the depth of His passion about this, but I only have a tiny glimpse of what that is. What I am realizing is that the only time that my emotions overtake me is when I am not taking them to the Lord, asking Him how to pray. I had a revelation about a month ago that was the beginning to what I am realizing today. It is okay to be overwhelmed because real life can be like that…things happen…but be overwhelmed, don’t be overtaken.
For the sake of transparency, however, I have been somewhat overtaken recently. I have allowed my circumstances to become bigger than what God intended to do through them. I have forgotten to step back, to breathe, to pray. In His grace, though, He keeps giving me pieces to this puzzle of mine. He keeps peeling back the layers and exposing me to myself. I may not like looking in the mirror, but I will take that any day over the chaos of living outside of Him. I am facing some things this summer that I know are going to be difficult for me, but He is already showing me how He intends to surround me when circumstances try to overtake me. He is reminding me to pray. He is reminding me that He loves me. Deeply. Without reservation. I am not deserving of such mercy, but He gives it to me anyway.