Expectation….Be the One

I have a problem.  I expect.  This may not sound that bad, but when there are 20 years of “expecting” piled onto one person or relationship, the effects can be suffocating.  I am learning this. The hard way.  I desire Biblical things…relationships, attitudes, things of that nature.  I think this is a great thing.  Where I go wrong is in the expectation.

When I was growing up, I watched a particular relationship in my life….and my perception as I grew up and got older was that they both expected things of each other but had difficulty looking at themselves.  They always wanted the other to think differently, act differently, love differently.  In expecting all of these things, they suffocated one another and didn’t see it until it was too late.  This is what I saw from the outside.

But here I am….the same girl.  A product of the same choices.  I “expect”.  And in expecting, I suffocate.

Everyone makes their own choices.  I know this.  I’m not trying to take responsibility for other peoples choices.  I’m just trying to grab onto what God is showing me and be what I expect in others.  I am trying to change the expectation of others into a mandate for myself. I want to think differently, act differently, love differently.  I want to serve with a joyful heart and love without expectation.  I just want to be what I expect.  I want to take the pressure off of my relationships.  I want simple, kind, giving, tender love to flow out of me into those that I love.  And stop looking for others to fill me up.  If I let Jesus fill me up then I will be lacking nothing and there will be no need for expectation.

So I beg you….please hear me.  Look deep.  Look honestly.  Find any expectations (because we all have them) that you have of others around you…your children, your spouse, your parents, your siblings.  Throw them out.  Make a choice to be the one who thinks differently, acts differently, and loves differently.  Be the one.  Don’t wait until it’s too late.  Right now is the perfect time.  Be the one.

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
~Psalm 62:5-8 NKJV~
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The Only Regret is not Trying in the First Place….

Maybe some of the things that I write stir up feelings of sorrow for yourself or make you feel sorry for me….I don’t know, but I want you to take it further than that.  First of all, please, please don’t feel sorry for me.  I don’t, so I don’t want you to either.  Second, Pray.  Pray for yourself.  Pray for me.  Be bold.  Change your direction.  Don’t just accept that you and me will always be stuck in the place where we are and there is no hope.  There is most definitely hope.  I have known it.  I have experienced the fulfillment of so many hopes and dreams.  Nothing lasts forever.

There are so many of us who are struggling, suffering through hard, gut wrenching, painful circumstances.  So often we just own them as an attack from the enemy or consequences for our own bad choices.  But there is another option.  God may be allowing the sifting in your life to teach you how to trust Him more, to love Him more, to depend on Him more.

So many times, I have wanted to give up before the end, before God has a chance to really show Himself.  It’s so hard to keep pushing forward, to keep looking up.  To keep hoping when absolutely everything before my eyes is hopeless.  But something in my soul has always refused to quit.  Overcoming isn’t about always knowing what to do or making the perfect choice.  Overcoming is about not quitting.  Overcoming is about looking up.  Overcoming is about letting God love me when I am dark, when I am gritting my teeth in anger, when I am broken and ugly, when I feel betrayed and hopeless.  Did you know that you can overcome too?  I want nothing more than to scream it from the highest mountain….”YOU CAN OVERCOME!!  YOU ARE AN OVERCOMER!!!  YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT YET!!”  Did you know that this is in you? You are capable.  You are qualified….not because of your own confidence but because HE SAYS SO!!  You are MORE than an overcomer!  When everything is shouting otherwise, God says you can do this.  All you have to do is come alongside His plan, whatever that may be, whether you even know what that is or not.  Just say yes.  JUST SAY YES!!!  You can’t even imagine the fullness on the other side.  Remember, nothing lasts forever and HE ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!!!  If this is you, tell me.  Reach out to me.  DO NOT stay silent.  I want to pray for you.  I want to encourage you.  I want to point you to HIM.  Please.  Be bold.  Take a risk.  JUST SAY YES!  You will never regret it.  You will only regret not trying.  You will only regret being in the same place next week, next month, next year, because you never looked up and tried…..

Marked

I am being…
Unwoven
Unraveled
Unlocked
Everything I held close, held important….
Pulled away.
My brain screams “WHAT HAVE I DONE??”
My spirit knows
It’s way beyond that.
Holes everywhere.
Space everywhere.
Pain always.
Ideas I can’t find
Words I can’t grasp
But I know
Somewhere
Somehow
Sometime
I will know
The end of this road I’m on
I am not who I know myself to be
There is more
So much more
Raw
Ripped open
Grasping
I will sit here with You
I will keep asking
“Where are You in this?”
Show me…
Show me…
Show me…
I will not run away
From the hurt
I will push forward
I keep pushing forward
I am asking….
“What is the goal?”
“Where are we going?”
I want to go with You
Take me with You
Please take me with You
I see now
You are showing me
Yourself
Your heart
Your eyes
Your desire
Keep going
Keep going
Don’t quit
I won’t quit on You
I will stop fighting You
I will stop fighting the pain of letting go
I will stop
And I will let You…
Fill my broken places
Open my dark spaces
Please God…
Encounter me
Unweave me
Unravel me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Mark me