Marked

I am being…
Unwoven
Unraveled
Unlocked
Everything I held close, held important….
Pulled away.
My brain screams “WHAT HAVE I DONE??”
My spirit knows
It’s way beyond that.
Holes everywhere.
Space everywhere.
Pain always.
Ideas I can’t find
Words I can’t grasp
But I know
Somewhere
Somehow
Sometime
I will know
The end of this road I’m on
I am not who I know myself to be
There is more
So much more
Raw
Ripped open
Grasping
I will sit here with You
I will keep asking
“Where are You in this?”
Show me…
Show me…
Show me…
I will not run away
From the hurt
I will push forward
I keep pushing forward
I am asking….
“What is the goal?”
“Where are we going?”
I want to go with You
Take me with You
Please take me with You
I see now
You are showing me
Yourself
Your heart
Your eyes
Your desire
Keep going
Keep going
Don’t quit
I won’t quit on You
I will stop fighting You
I will stop fighting the pain of letting go
I will stop
And I will let You…
Fill my broken places
Open my dark spaces
Please God…
Encounter me
Unweave me
Unravel me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Mark me

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Being Tired

I am tired today…trying to be strong, trying to take in everyone’s encouraging words, trying to smile and stay functional.  It’s just one of those days I suppose.  Tyler started the Crucible this morning and if he can do that, then I can be tired for a few hours.

Do you ever have those days that you are just weary?  Everything is fine but you feel like you are going to break if someone looks at you wrong?  Being tired does that to me.  Yes, I am pretty preoccupied – my mind is somewhere else.  I have never done this before.  I have never been the mom whose child has left the nest.  Who has entered into this crazy, wonderful, difficult world of being a military mom.  Of course, every stage that the oldest child hit, I had never done before, but this reaches to a whole new level.  It is HARD and I need to learn how to do it with grace.  So here I am.  Pouring it out on one page among millions in the land of cyberspace that never ends.  Using it as my place to vent and express.  Will it help?  I don’t know.  What I do know, is that God knows and despite my weakness in this moment, He loves me.  He loves me desperately.  He craves my company and that is all I want in this life.  So I pray.  I pray for my sons, I pray for my daughters, I pray for my friends who are struggling and I pray for more of Him.  This will get better.  I know that He will bring comfort that I cannot understand in the middle of this and every storm.  He is who He says He is and He does what He says He will do.  I know this without a shadow of a doubt.  I don’t have the picture of what this is all going to look like, but I am choosing right now to trust that He does….no matter what the final result is, He will work it ALL for good.  So please remind me of this when I struggle.  Point out to me all the things that God has done.  Remind me that He has rescued me from the pit of despair and brought LIFE.