Pieces of Me…

Warning…written during an emotional tsunami…read at your own risk. No, I’m not joking.

I am a mess. I keep trying to have it all together, say the right things, think the right thoughts, act the right ways, pray the right prayers….but still I am a mess.  Is my heart position not genuine?  I feel like it is, but would I still be a mess if it was?

I finally, after all these months, got really mad at God a little bit ago. I screamed at Him in hysteria.  Raged at Him about the state of my life, the painful circumstances, the seemingly never ending pain that stalks me no matter what I do.  No matter how much or how hard I pray.

In an argument that I had with someone close to me, I was told that I am the reason for all the problems in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been abandoned. I’m the reason I may end up divorced. I’m the reason that my relationships are all failing. It’s my fault….And I believe it. Somehow, in me, I still believe this. If I didn’t, would I have gotten so “out of control” upset?  Something in me still believes that I am the sole reason for every failure in my life and family. I know, I know, pity party. But seriously, I know that too. But I still believe it. Why? Why do I believe this?  I want to figure it out but it’s elusive. It’s floats around just out of my reach.  I don’t want to believe it but I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being teased. Like this isn’t really my life.  That somehow I’ll wake up and be a better person. Have a better heart. Be more patient. Less pushy. Listen better.  Be easier to love. Somehow I am hard to love by the people who “really” know me….those who know who I am every moment of every day.  I must be or wouldn’t I be loved well? I so long to be loved well.  By a human being.  But somehow my brain tells me I’m the reason this isn’t possible.  And it’s spouted at me by ones I love.  So it must be true. Right?  What is the secret to being loved well?  What am I missing?  Did I somehow miss showing up the day God handed that out?  Or maybe it’s because I feel this way that pushes people away when they want to love me like I crave. Maybe I just can’t accept it. Maybe I can’t even see it.  Maybe I am blind. I don’t want to be but maybe, just maybe, I am.

So maybe it WAS me who shattered me….or allowed myself to be shattered. Maybe I refused being loved well because I didn’t even see that it was there….right in front of me.  I was so busy screaming “LOVE ME BETTER” that I missed the actual love.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I am in this state of question asking but I make no excuses. It is my process. And I’m letting you in a little deeper and a little sooner than I usually do. I always seem to find my way….eventually. It may take awhile, but I have to ask the questions to get to the answers.

I hope you don’t think me a crazed lunatic. I hope you find something in here that makes you feel not quite so alone.  I don’t wish this ache on anyone.  Maybe you can ask the questions with me and walk along as we find the answers. In my weak place, I still know that He will eventually show me because i am His.  Maybe this time, He will show us together.  I sure hope it’s soon.  I want to be free.  I don’t want to be broken anymore.

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Marked

I am being…
Unwoven
Unraveled
Unlocked
Everything I held close, held important….
Pulled away.
My brain screams “WHAT HAVE I DONE??”
My spirit knows
It’s way beyond that.
Holes everywhere.
Space everywhere.
Pain always.
Ideas I can’t find
Words I can’t grasp
But I know
Somewhere
Somehow
Sometime
I will know
The end of this road I’m on
I am not who I know myself to be
There is more
So much more
Raw
Ripped open
Grasping
I will sit here with You
I will keep asking
“Where are You in this?”
Show me…
Show me…
Show me…
I will not run away
From the hurt
I will push forward
I keep pushing forward
I am asking….
“What is the goal?”
“Where are we going?”
I want to go with You
Take me with You
Please take me with You
I see now
You are showing me
Yourself
Your heart
Your eyes
Your desire
Keep going
Keep going
Don’t quit
I won’t quit on You
I will stop fighting You
I will stop fighting the pain of letting go
I will stop
And I will let You…
Fill my broken places
Open my dark spaces
Please God…
Encounter me
Unweave me
Unravel me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Mark me

It’s Personal…

Circumstances in my life, at first glance, do not scream of joy and thankfulness. They are hard, ugly, messy. It’s ok though…Aren’t we all a little ugly and messy? We just hide it better at certain times in our life than others. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to live out loud. Whether it’s pain or victory, chaos or peace, I will be real. True. Authentic.

I have had unexplainable peace the last couple of days. It has just permeated me and blanketed my thoughts. There is no answer other than Jesus. My family is struggling, my oldest son is about to deploy to an unknown location; all things that normally paralyze me. But something is different. He is growing me. He is strengthening me. He is expanding my faith.

God is so personal. He is literally sending me something or someone several times a day to point my mind and heart to Him. He is holding me in His arms and I can feel it. It’s a warmth. It’s a calm. It’s a knowing that I don’t have to struggle anymore. I don’t have to strive to “feel better”. I don’t have to fix the problems. All I need to do now is rest. And look to His face. He has it all solved. I may not see it yet, but the solution has already been accomplished, whatever it may be.

So I am grateful. Grateful for a God that is becoming more of a best friend than I ever could have imagined. Grateful that I can let go of control and be okay. Grateful that I am growing. Even grateful for the struggle. I would not have this peace if there was no trial. I would not be growing if there were no problems. There is ugly and messy, but HE MAKES BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF DUST. In that I have joy and thankfulness. In that I have peace.