Marked

I am being…
Unwoven
Unraveled
Unlocked
Everything I held close, held important….
Pulled away.
My brain screams “WHAT HAVE I DONE??”
My spirit knows
It’s way beyond that.
Holes everywhere.
Space everywhere.
Pain always.
Ideas I can’t find
Words I can’t grasp
But I know
Somewhere
Somehow
Sometime
I will know
The end of this road I’m on
I am not who I know myself to be
There is more
So much more
Raw
Ripped open
Grasping
I will sit here with You
I will keep asking
“Where are You in this?”
Show me…
Show me…
Show me…
I will not run away
From the hurt
I will push forward
I keep pushing forward
I am asking….
“What is the goal?”
“Where are we going?”
I want to go with You
Take me with You
Please take me with You
I see now
You are showing me
Yourself
Your heart
Your eyes
Your desire
Keep going
Keep going
Don’t quit
I won’t quit on You
I will stop fighting You
I will stop fighting the pain of letting go
I will stop
And I will let You…
Fill my broken places
Open my dark spaces
Please God…
Encounter me
Unweave me
Unravel me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Unlock me
Mark me

Advertisements

Meltdown…

I had a meltdown at 2 am this morning. There’s no other way to put it. It was messy. Ugly.  I was tired from a busy weekend and my grandson didn’t want to sleep and it all came crashing down. I cried. For an hour. The feelings were so powerful. The nerve endings of my emotions lit fire and consumed me. In that moment I was undone, I was lost. My very skin hurt. It was so tangible that it felt like this would never end. But It will. Nothing lasts forever.

What on earth is helpful or hopeful about what I’m saying? Well first, I’m totally human. And that’s okay. It’s not wrong to be human.  This is the path that God has given me to walk but some days I feel like I’m in a prison.  A prison of pain.  That no matter what I do, I cannot escape.  But that’s not it at all.  It is not a prison of pain.  It is the narrow path.  There is movement forward if I choose it.  But only I can choose it.  He’s not putting walls around me and locking the door.  He’s asking me to set my eyes on Him and walk blindly forward even when it’s dark and I cannot see.  And I cannot see.  At all. I am completely blind.  None of my senses are telling me what to do.  There is no sight. There is no sound.  There is no touch.  It is so scary that sometimes I am afraid. So afraid that I melt down.  So afraid that I run away from Him.  What He is asking of me is hard.  He is not fixing my circumstances.  At least where I can see.  And I don’t know what the eventual “fix” is that will bring all of this to a resolution.  The only definite thing that He has shown me is that I need to trust Him.  His answer and His resolution will be perfect.  Even if His “perfect” and my “perfect” are not the same.  His way is always better than mine and fear is a liar.  Fear is a LIAR.  So I run back to him.  Because away from Him is way too scary and the fear becomes real and the fire burns.  Next to Him I will not be burned.

Fear is a Liar 2“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters,  I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.   For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior”  Isaiah 43: 1b-3a