I got home last night and was just trying to wind down from the evening and as I got into bed, I just felt completely overwhelmed at how much God loves me. I find that I get so consumed with the routines of life that I don’t always have God’s faithfulness at the front of my mind. I think if I woke up with that every day, the routine and the thought processes would take a major shift. I had a hard time really settling down and going to sleep with all that running through my mind, but this morning when I woke up HE was on my mind, His faithfulness was on my heart, His name was on my tongue. I just want more. I know that there is NO end to Him. Going deeper only takes you deeper, it doesn’t take you to the bottom. The bottom does not exist with Him. I want to keep going deeper and deeper. I have sought Him out for a long time, but there is so, so much more that I do not know and will not know until I see His face. But I’m not waiting. I’m not going to wait until I die to find out all I can about Him. I want to know everything I can on this earth while I still have breath within me. I want others to know His name because I spoke it. I want to point people towards Him. There is such hopelessness and loss in this world but there is an answer for that. Chase after God, ask Him what His heart is for You. He WILL answer you if you mean what you say.
My husband is in construction. For many years it provided for our family pretty well…the work was consistent. Now it is a hit or miss thing and you have to go to where the work is. So this morning Brad left to go work out of town. I have to say, I felt pretty strong about it last week, but this morning we woke up to dreary weather and snow…and a nasty cold. I found it hard to see him drive out of that driveway. Do you ever “Feel” abandoned but you know you ARE NOT being abandoned? This is what I am fighting today. Brad’s sacrifice is so great…he is the one who has to live out of a suitcase. He is the one who has to sacrifice his comfort in home to make sure we can pay the bills. He is the one who misses seeing his kids every day and laughing with them at silly things. He misses parts of growing up that I do not because I am here. So I am writing this to put voice to my fight. I will choose to walk in thankfulness that he has work to do, that he is willing to do it and that he loves us. I will pray for his spirit that he does not become discouraged and lonely. I will tell him good stories and make him laugh. I will love him no matter what.
I had lunch with a very, very dear friend of mine the other day. She is one of those people who just knows how to ask the right questions and for years she has been my sounding board. She doesn’t give me answers, she asks those kind of questions that lead me to the answer for myself. This is an amazing gift. I have lived enough life with her that when I sit down to talk, the picture of where God has brought me from is so very, very evident. His faithfulness to me is overwhelming. And as I sit here writing this, I am reminded that without HIM I would not be alive, literally alive. I would have drowned in my depression and loneliness. I would have choked on the bitterness that consumed my heart. My choice not to forgive was truly like drinking poison and I would have perished.
Somewhere along the line, I cried out and He answered me. HE chose to show me Himself. I wish I could describe to you what that was like. He suddenly was made so real to me, as if He was standing in front of me and I could touch Him, look in His eyes, gaze upon His face. I know this may sound strange to some of you but God gave us an imagination for a reason. Did He not put it within us so we could experience Him? He tells us to Seek His Face right? So try it. I remember the first time I asked Him to show me what He looked like. I didn’t have to beg or plead or convince Him to do it. I asked and He showed me.
I am finding such great comfort in Him on this road I am walking. There have been times in my life where I have chosen to fight His comfort. I think that in those times I thought maybe I didn’t deserve it or didn’t know how to receive it, but that is not what His love is about. None of us deserves anything good, but He created me to love Him and have a relationship with Him. He loves me despite my darkness, so I choose to run to Him and let Him be strong for me when I cannot. I know this journey I am on has many more twists and turns, and I don’t know what it will all look like but I choose to look at the face of Jesus. I choose to let go of my own ideas and grab onto His. I have failed myself over and over again…He has NEVER failed me. This is who I choose.