It’s coming. I know it’s coming. The thing I have feared the most for more years than I can remember. 

I feel it. 

I am afraid but I’m reminding myself that I will be okay. Reminding myself that Sarah had to stand on what God had promised Abraham for decades. Having Isaac seemed so impossible. Far away. Surreal. Her mind could not wrap around how God was going to do what He promised. 
Sometimes, when I think of her as a real person, not just a story in a book, I can feel her pain. Her struggle with Gods timing. Her deep longing for something that was just too far out of her reach. Her body had moved into old age for heavens sake! How could she keep seeing Gods promise? How could she not have doubts?  God had promised Abraham, right? What if she wasn’t really part of that promise? What if it was to come through another avenue?  Of course! That had to be it. So she tried to solve the problem. 

Hagar. 

Ishmael. 

Trouble. 

I have so many questions and no answers. None. Trying to be still and learn what God is trying to show me. He shows me an area in my life that is out of line and I work hard to grab hold but I have never struggled with His timing so much in my life. I think that is my biggest ache. When I look at who God has been in my life, I believe with everything in me that what He promised, He will fulfill. It’s the middle that I can’t quite conquer. In the middle I question whether I heard Him right. Whether I have put Him in a box and His promise is really something different.  I question how the heck this is all going to look in the end. I question my ability to love like I really want to. I question my ability to keep rising. 

Loving without be loved in return is the most painful thing…I don’t know if I can make it. Some days I feel so weak. My nature screams at me to reject so I can just stop feeling rejected every day. Every minute. I struggle with the constant ache. The constant pain that sits just below the surface. Even in joy I feel it there.  I want something that I feel like God promised but in some ways, because I have a picture in my mind of what that is, I feel like it is pulling me.  How do I rise when I’m being pulled at the same time?  How do I keep going?  

Maybe I’m just in a more emotional state. I just left from visiting my son before another deployment. My youngest is about to graduate from high school. There is so much going on. I just don’t want to fade into hopelessness. So this, I must do. I have to process to keep it from drowning me. I have to write to keep it above the waves. Thanks for surfing with me…