~You will also declare a thing….And it will be established for you….So light will shine on your ways.~ ~Job 22:28~
As many of you know, I have been on a hard road for quite some time. This road involves many mistakes, many bad choices and many attempts to push through all of it. This road I speak of is my marriage. It is in pieces. I know I have seen many other people who were struggling through separation or divorce and been guilty of moving right past….of not asking how I can pray or come alongside. I just never got it. I get it now. I am more broken than I have been in my whole life. But I am also more victorious than I have ever been in my whole life.
The hardest thing is to see where you went wrong, whether intentional or not…..to not be able to fix it or make it right. Wishing I could have been different sooner. Wanting to be aware of the changes I needed to make in myself before it was too late. I have tried so hard in so many areas but they are not enough. Only God is enough. I thought I knew. But I did not. But I cannot carry the burden of this anymore. I have made bad choices, bad decisions. I still do. I will probably do that until I die…because I am human. But I can no longer live in the guilt and shame of those things. I have chosen to acknowledge what He has shown me and now I must lay it down. It is no longer mine to hold.
That being said, there are always two sides….and I’ll leave the other one for my beloved to tell, if he chooses to do so. All I have is my own perspective on things. And my perspective is this. Marriage is TWO people. Always TWO people. It’s easy to look at one person and make a determination that they are at fault. You could look at my marriage and decide that one or the other of us is responsible for the mess. But in reality, we both are. My emotions may tell me that it’s his fault, but over the last many months I have seen myself. I have seen where I am at fault and where I still continue to struggle. I am under no illusions that I am blameless. Please do not take sides. It is a futile choice to make and only creates another division that is destructive.
So let me go back for a moment….
Many years ago, God asked me to Stand for my marriage. I said yes. His instruction to me has never changed. In fact, He has shown me, through His Word, His promises to me where my marriage and family are concerned. I believe Him. So regardless of my failings and the mistakes of my love, I continue to stand. The world says that I have a way out. Even the Bible says I have a way out. But I am choosing not to take it….because of what God asked me many years ago. I have no power over another’s choices….none at all. Only mine. And I am choosing love. Whether it is returned or not. Whether it is met with anger and hate or not. I will not bend.
I am contending for the lives of the people I love and that God has placed in my life for a reason. The enemy would like nothing better than to destroy us all. He hates that I am standing up to him. He hates that I do not believe his lies. He hates that I SEE him and that I KNOW what he is doing. He hates ME. I have come up against something that he has gained much momentum in, in the last many years. This is not just a Brad and Mitzie issue. This is an EVERYONE issue. If you are married, this is your issue. If you don’t see it yet, open your eyes. One day he WILL make it your issue. Take the offense now. Don’t be caught on your heels and unaware. Pray over your spouse. Pray over your families. Every. Single. Day. Without exception.
I am speaking this out to you because I felt that I needed to make a declaration…a declaration as to the goodness of my God. A declaration that I believe in the promises of God over my life. A declaration that He is good and kind and true. A declaration that He desires to see my marriage restored. Yes. God desires to see my marriage restored. I know this because it is in His Word. He hates divorce. And just because there is a “way out” does not mean I should take it. I am not saying everyone must choose the road I am walking. That is something that you have to decide for yourself…it’s between you and God. I only know about me…and what He has said to me. And this is what I choose. I will walk this path until it is done or until God releases me. I declare that the enemy WILL NOT win and that he will destroy no longer. His days of having his way in my mind are over. I declare that I am free of the fear of being abandoned, of being destitute, of being forgotten, of being replaced. I declare that the God who lives in me is already victorious in my life and He will continue to be.
So my plea is this…Whether you believe in what I am choosing or not, take into account that I am confident in what the Lord has asked of me, and pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for deep, abiding love to make itself known. Pray against the accusations of the enemy. Pray that I have the strength to continue to withstand the fear that the enemy attempts to flood me with every moment of every day. Pray for my broken heart, for my husbands broken heart. We are both broken people. Agree with me in prayer that God’s Word is truth and that it does not return void. And most of all, pray for God to have HIS way, whatever that looks like. I am along for the journey….wherever it takes me.