Pieces of Me…

Warning…written during an emotional tsunami…read at your own risk. No, I’m not joking.

I am a mess. I keep trying to have it all together, say the right things, think the right thoughts, act the right ways, pray the right prayers….but still I am a mess.  Is my heart position not genuine?  I feel like it is, but would I still be a mess if it was?

I finally, after all these months, got really mad at God a little bit ago. I screamed at Him in hysteria.  Raged at Him about the state of my life, the painful circumstances, the seemingly never ending pain that stalks me no matter what I do.  No matter how much or how hard I pray.

In an argument that I had with someone close to me, I was told that I am the reason for all the problems in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been abandoned. I’m the reason I may end up divorced. I’m the reason that my relationships are all failing. It’s my fault….And I believe it. Somehow, in me, I still believe this. If I didn’t, would I have gotten so “out of control” upset?  Something in me still believes that I am the sole reason for every failure in my life and family. I know, I know, pity party. But seriously, I know that too. But I still believe it. Why? Why do I believe this?  I want to figure it out but it’s elusive. It’s floats around just out of my reach.  I don’t want to believe it but I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being teased. Like this isn’t really my life.  That somehow I’ll wake up and be a better person. Have a better heart. Be more patient. Less pushy. Listen better.  Be easier to love. Somehow I am hard to love by the people who “really” know me….those who know who I am every moment of every day.  I must be or wouldn’t I be loved well? I so long to be loved well.  By a human being.  But somehow my brain tells me I’m the reason this isn’t possible.  And it’s spouted at me by ones I love.  So it must be true. Right?  What is the secret to being loved well?  What am I missing?  Did I somehow miss showing up the day God handed that out?  Or maybe it’s because I feel this way that pushes people away when they want to love me like I crave. Maybe I just can’t accept it. Maybe I can’t even see it.  Maybe I am blind. I don’t want to be but maybe, just maybe, I am.

So maybe it WAS me who shattered me….or allowed myself to be shattered. Maybe I refused being loved well because I didn’t even see that it was there….right in front of me.  I was so busy screaming “LOVE ME BETTER” that I missed the actual love.

Maybe I shouldn’t write when I am in this state of question asking but I make no excuses. It is my process. And I’m letting you in a little deeper and a little sooner than I usually do. I always seem to find my way….eventually. It may take awhile, but I have to ask the questions to get to the answers.

I hope you don’t think me a crazed lunatic. I hope you find something in here that makes you feel not quite so alone.  I don’t wish this ache on anyone.  Maybe you can ask the questions with me and walk along as we find the answers. In my weak place, I still know that He will eventually show me because i am His.  Maybe this time, He will show us together.  I sure hope it’s soon.  I want to be free.  I don’t want to be broken anymore.

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