Warning…written during an emotional tsunami…read at your own risk. No, I’m not joking.
I am a mess. I keep trying to have it all together, say the right things, think the right thoughts, act the right ways, pray the right prayers….but still I am a mess. Is my heart position not genuine? I feel like it is, but would I still be a mess if it was?
I finally, after all these months, got really mad at God a little bit ago. I screamed at Him in hysteria. Raged at Him about the state of my life, the painful circumstances, the seemingly never ending pain that stalks me no matter what I do. No matter how much or how hard I pray.
In an argument that I had with someone close to me, I was told that I am the reason for all the problems in my life. I’m the reason I’ve been abandoned. I’m the reason I may end up divorced. I’m the reason that my relationships are all failing. It’s my fault….And I believe it. Somehow, in me, I still believe this. If I didn’t, would I have gotten so “out of control” upset? Something in me still believes that I am the sole reason for every failure in my life and family. I know, I know, pity party. But seriously, I know that too. But I still believe it. Why? Why do I believe this? I want to figure it out but it’s elusive. It’s floats around just out of my reach. I don’t want to believe it but I do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being teased. Like this isn’t really my life. That somehow I’ll wake up and be a better person. Have a better heart. Be more patient. Less pushy. Listen better. Be easier to love. Somehow I am hard to love by the people who “really” know me….those who know who I am every moment of every day. I must be or wouldn’t I be loved well? I so long to be loved well. By a human being. But somehow my brain tells me I’m the reason this isn’t possible. And it’s spouted at me by ones I love. So it must be true. Right? What is the secret to being loved well? What am I missing? Did I somehow miss showing up the day God handed that out? Or maybe it’s because I feel this way that pushes people away when they want to love me like I crave. Maybe I just can’t accept it. Maybe I can’t even see it. Maybe I am blind. I don’t want to be but maybe, just maybe, I am.
So maybe it WAS me who shattered me….or allowed myself to be shattered. Maybe I refused being loved well because I didn’t even see that it was there….right in front of me. I was so busy screaming “LOVE ME BETTER” that I missed the actual love.
Maybe I shouldn’t write when I am in this state of question asking but I make no excuses. It is my process. And I’m letting you in a little deeper and a little sooner than I usually do. I always seem to find my way….eventually. It may take awhile, but I have to ask the questions to get to the answers.
I hope you don’t think me a crazed lunatic. I hope you find something in here that makes you feel not quite so alone. I don’t wish this ache on anyone. Maybe you can ask the questions with me and walk along as we find the answers. In my weak place, I still know that He will eventually show me because i am His. Maybe this time, He will show us together. I sure hope it’s soon. I want to be free. I don’t want to be broken anymore.