I’m doing it again.

That thing I do in my head.

I work it around in a circle.

Over and over again.

Analyze it.

Hoping it will feel better.

And then I move it to my mouth.

Taste it.

Chew it up.

Spit it out.

Words.

I hang on.

I want it all the mean something.

Doesn’t everything mean something?

I want people to give me answers.

Words that will dissolve the ache.

Yet it can’t be fixed.

Because I won’t allow it to be fixed.

The answer isn’t the answer….to me.

I always think there’s something deeper.

Something hidden.

Something untouched.

Unrecognized.

So I dig.

And cajole.

I coax.

Invade.

Prod.

I’m relentless.

Think it to death.

Talk it to death.

Breathe it in.

Blow it out.

I won’t let it go.

I never let it go.

Even when I think I do.

I don’t.

Somehow I have to let it go.

I want to be peaceful.

Kind.

Tender.

Aware.

I must relax my grip.

My need.

My pursuit.

Of human explanation.

I must find another level.

Of Being Still.

Help me Jesus.

Again.

And again…..