Today is a raw day. I am raw. I definitely turned a page at the beginning of this year, but along with that, I think I thought that I wouldn’t feel sad or alone or broken anymore. Truth is, I do. Today, yesterday….I feel those things. When I said to God, “Whatever it takes Lord,” He took me seriously. So as He pulls things to the surface, as He exposes truth, as I am faced with myself and what goes on inside me and around me, I break sometimes. It’s hard. It hurts. So I guess the question becomes, how do I process this recurring pain thoroughly so that I am not paralyzed with it…so that it does not stop my life?
I think a lot of times I look for a magic formula to processing pain or grief. I just want to know the ABC’s and get it over with. But I don’t think there is one scenario that works for everyone all the time. Maybe there is, but every time something new comes up for me, I feel like I process it in a little different way. However, the theme that runs through every scenario is Jesus. Today, it seems that the only thing I can do is speak His name….the hurt is so great. It’s all I can do. I trust that He is bringing things into the light so that there is no darkness, but it’s gonna take me a bit I think. All I can do is lean on my Beloved and eventually I will come up out of this wilderness I am in. I know I will because He promised me I would. And He never breaks a promise.
Who is this coming up from the wilderness,
Leaning upon her beloved?
I awakened you under the apple tree.
There your mother brought you forth;
There she who bore you brought you forth.
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house,
It would be utterly despised.
Song of Solomon 8: 5-7