You know, sometimes it’s really easy to write about learning new things.  And then the real life test happens.  One moment you do fine and the next you feel like you’re flat on your face.  I feel like that today.  I feel raw and tender.  Barriers down. Emotions up.  Somehow I have let myself believe that I should just be quiet.  Always.  About everything.  No one wants to hear what I have to say.  My feelings are just a nuisance.  I should just keep everything to myself.  Pity party?  Maybe.  But it’s a reality I have lived with my whole life.  I really need to get over it somehow.  Writing seems to be the process for me to work through things.  I’m a verbal processor.  And when I can’t actually be verbal, I need to put it on a page.  If anyone read my journal, they would probably think I was losing it.  🙂

This morning a friend sent me a picture of a devotional that I read almost every day.  I hadn’t read it yet, but after I saw that picture, I read it 3 or 4 more times.  I’m pretty sure that God knew what my struggle was going to be today.  He is so kind like that.  It was from Jesus Calling, December 8.

YOUR NEEDS AND MY RICHES are a perfect fit.  I never meant for

you to be self-sufficient.  Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread

but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings.  I carefully crafted your longings and feelings

of incompleteness, to point you to Me.  Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings.

Beware also of trying to pacify these longing with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.

Come to me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed.  As

you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled,  Rejoice in your

neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me.

Like I said, I read it over and over.  And it was great.  It’s truth washed over me and went deep.  I thought.  And then the day happened.  I wanted time.  I wanted to be held.  I wanted to feel important.  I wanted a HUMAN to make me feel wanted.  And just have my relationship tank filled.  Then I looked again….that part right there about Him carefully crafting my longings and feelings of incompleteness to point me to Him.  Hmmm…..He crafted my longings and feelings….of incompleteness.  I feel so incomplete when I’m not heard.  I feel incomplete when I am not understood.  So I use more and more words to try to feel complete.  Wow.  I use my words to try to feel complete.  I just keep talking and talking….it’s like I can’t stop.  I want to MAKE you understand me.  I MUST convince you that I am valid, worth loving, important.

I think I’m getting it….it’s part of that BE STILL thing.  If I’m still, and quiet, then He can fill me.  If I’m talking, what can He say to me? How can He fill someone who is fighting to fill herself.  It’s another layer of the onion.  It’s another example of setting my gaze on Him.

I’m challenged but still left with one question…sometimes I just really need a hug, human touch, affection.  God, can you send someone in human form to just fill that part of me?  Or show me how You can fill that need in my heart?  I’m asking.  I know you will answer.  You’re good like that!