She raises her child to be strong
So he can stand alone
To safely sail through choppy seas
… When he’s out there on his own
And then one day he sets his sail
Toward a distant shore
The anchor’s pulled, the wind is fair
She wonders what’s in store
When the weather’s fair and good
She may not hear a sound
She sometimes feels forgotten
And her tears fall slowly down
But then, sometimes, he hits a storm
The skies are dark and gray
The water’s rough and he needs help
He needs her loving way
He needs the line she’ll toss to him
The love unlike all other
The strongest person in his life
The anchor that is Mother
I have to be honest, this journey with Tyler joining the Marine Corps has had some really difficult moments but I think today was the kicker. I actually had the thought driving to the airport to send Tyler back to San Diego,
“I can’t do this. I can’t live in this world. It is way too hard…so much harder than I expected. I just can’t do this.”
When he left for boot camp, there was so much of it that was unknown. I didn’t know at the beginning that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him until the end of it, I didn’t know how hard it would be for him to get through it, I didn’t know how much the absence of him would make my heart ache. I now have some experience under my belt. I did know that I would get to see him after boot camp. I knew he would have at least 10 days leave and would come home. But now there is more that I don’t know. I don’t know when I will see him again. I think going into this that I thought I would always have a “date” for the next visit. I don’t. But even more than that is the feeling of tearing in my heart. My boss said to me “It’s like tearing flesh. God gave him to you but now he’s taking him back.” It’s not that he’s not still mine, but my role in his life is different. And is place in our family has changed. Speaking into his life is not the same as it used to be..It is now time to be quiet and pray. I just didn’t know that it would hurt this bad to see him leave again.
Have you ever heard someone try to describe what it was like when their child moved out? I did. A million times. I just did not get it. It’s like so many things in life…we may “think” we understand but until we go through it we have no clue. This makes me think of the times I have made a judgement in my mind about someone else’s circumstance, thinking that I understood when I had not been through it myself. I may have had empathy and wanted to help or encourage, but I had never been down in the trenches with them. I had not experienced the emotions.
I wish I could accurately describe how it feels to be this mom in this moment, but I am finding that the language I have known my whole life is failing me. I know this will get better. I will not always feel this way, but I also know that God is trying to teach me something. From experience I know that this kind of pain brings growth. I just know, that no matter how much this hurts or how much I think I want it to be different, I want what God wants. I want His will for my life, for my son’s life, for my whole family’s life and nothing else, no matter what. So here I am again…walking into the unknown, but forcing myself to look at the Lord because none of this is unknown to Him…and in that I am safe no matter how it FEELS. I will put my hope in God!
PSALMS 42
As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
2 I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
3 Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
“Where is this God of yours?”
4 My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and 6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
8 But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
9 “O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?”
10 Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
11 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
LIFE REWRITTEN 
None of us, not in your shoes, can imagine. Imagine the strength it took for him to step forward. Nor the strength it took for you to lose your grip. But this nation stands upon the foundation of such strength. And none of us are loath to recall that.Godspeed,