Living in the Void

So I am in a really strange place.  Even when I don’t think I have expectations, sometimes my brain just does it anyway.  I think I had this picture of how things would be for Tyler’s 10 days home…I am having to let go of that picture.

My vision was that he would want to be at home with us…to just hang out and talk and spend time with his siblings and his mom and dad…all the time.  But he has grown up.  He has separated himself (as he should).  He wants to do things with his friends and not be at the house all of the time.  But his place in our home is not the same.  It has been altered by life.  It will never feel or be the same again.  That is very hard for me…I don’t think I was expecting it to be this hard.  I must let go of my boy and let him be a man.  I have to give him permission to grow up.  Don’t get me wrong, I know this is how it is supposed to be.  It is so healthy for him to be separating himself from his family in this way.  I just haven’t figured out how to process the change.  There is no working my way into it.  He left one way and came back another.  There is more to his “leaving home as a boy and coming back as a man” than I thought.  It is not just an appearance thing.  Sure, he looks a bit different, he carries himself in a much more confident way, but there is so much more to it.  I would love to just plow my way through it and get it over with, but I’ve never been that kind of person.  I have to admit that this is a loss for me.  I feel grief.  I feel sad.  While I would not take this away from him in any way, it just hurts.

 And at the same time, I feel inexplicable joy.  The pride I feel for what my son has chosen to do is immeasurable.  I have this overwhelming urge (as many of you have experienced…lol) to tell everyone about him, what he is doing and how great he is.  Success, for me, used to be defined as what “I” was doing with my life, how “I” was moving forward or changing or growing.  Now success for me is much bigger.  There is no greater success than seeing my kids move into the world in a productive, powerful way.  He is doing that.  And I had something to do with that.  His dad had something to do with that.  That is success.  We are so, so proud of him and all that he is choosing to do for himself, for his family and for his country.  He has taken a difficult road.

So I am living in this void…somewhere in the middle of everything, trying to wade through to the other side, trying to process something that is, at the moment, beyond my reach.  I know I am not the only mother who has ever felt like this.  It has been happening since the beginning of time.  I just have to keep putting my focus in the right place and asking the Lord for help and understanding.  Besides, just when I get it figured out, I will have to go and do it all over again with the next one….and the Lord will really need to help us then because there are two more after that.  (Oh my! hehe ) I am so thankful for my husband who loves me and is letting me express my struggle to him, tears and all.  I know he is feeling a lot of the same things and is having to work through this from the “dad” side of things as well.  I love you Brad.

So I leave you with this.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8 

2 thoughts on “Living in the Void

  1. Again….well said. I too am proud of your son and mine, but it is without question the most difficult place to be. Letting them go is natural and painful. But to say this kind of good bye is so different than college or a job away from home. I am glad we have each other and the Lord. Some people say He is a crutch and I would have to say He is….I am crippled without Him! Love you. (last night was so fun!)

  2. So, so different than college or a job! I thank the Lord EVERY day that HE brought me you…HE knows me well and I don't think I could be doing this without you…doing it well anyway. He is most definitely carrying me these days…Love you!

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